A world lost....found within

Yesterday I saw Radha [my 5 year old daughter] talking to herself. Not that it was the first time; she talks to herself very often. Almost all the time when she is not talking to someone. I have never been worried about this. I ask her whom she is talking to. She has a very simple answer each time. She plainly tells me the name of the person she is talking to. She explains the situation, she describes the interaction, subject matter, emotional state..everything that is going on in her tiny head. She has no hesitation, discomfort, embarrassment about having an imaginary give and take with the non existent humans/ghosts/fairies/animals. She is happy and content in living all those moments which she can’t live in her realities.

I never worry…I envy her. Last night I traced back deep inside my own mind. I realized I do exactly what she does. I have a world of my own. A world deep inside me. Sometimes I feel I live more in those unexplored zones than living where I am supposed to live. It’s a world of my dreams, my desires, my fears, my passions, my nightmares, my insecurities. My world of ‘how it should have been’ ..my world of ‘how I want it to be’

I live all that I haven’t lived..I do all that I dare not do..I say all that is ‘not to be said’

I live the love I haven’t got a chance to live. I conquer the fears I have always been obsessed with. I live like one I have always wanted to be. It’s my life unshared…it’s my secret undisclosed. It’s my treasure..I am yet to find.

It’s so sealed deep within that sometimes I can find its traces. Sometimes a ‘fair’ amount of alcohol knocks the locked doors. I get alarmed and I shut myself up further. My friends [who have witnessed such extremely rare occasions] tell me that I become an introvert when I am high. That might be a rare sign of alcohol influence, but I do feel closed down. I get lost in the world lost deep within.

I envy my daughter. She has the courage to live her secret world. She has no fears of that world getting exposed. She caresses her own desires, dreams, and insecurities fearlessly. She has the courage to tell me that she is giving herself a chance to live what she can’t live in the world that I have brought her into. She has no regrets, no complains howsoever. She has the strength to embrace her realities away from this reality. I wish I had this power.

Maybe I have it in my world lost deep within…..

Chicken run

I have been wondering lately..what is it that makes one write a blog? Is it an inner compulsion to express oneself? Is it habit? Is it the feeling of being read/appreciated/acknowledged by those friends in the web world? Or is it re-assuring oneself that one can write? I guess it is all of it. I have not been writing for almost three years now. [Not been writing a blog I mean] I don’t know why? Did I not feel all that I have stated above? Well…I did feel that. Was I too lazy? [well..that I am..always was..] Was I not worried of being forgotten/overlooked/ignored? [Somehow that never worried me]

Bottom line is, I don’t know why I did not write for three years and I don’t know why I am writing now. And I don’t want to know.

Sometimes I feel a little chicken dancing in my head. Imagine you have organized your papers properly on your study table. Travel blogs in one pile, personal writings in another, recipes in another pile, official paper work in one. And a chick starts dancing all over. It is all mixed up, it’s all messed up. You get furious but you can’t be angry on that little thing, you love the way it dances and throws your papers around. You love to see its tiny legs tearing the papers away. You love to see the happiness in its little body.

I feel that in my mind. I get dis-oriented. I get dis-organized. It’s a mess. And I am the little chick messing myself up. I am the one who has organized it all and I am the one dancing on it.

I love this feeling. It scares the hell out of me. I get set to figure out what it is all about. What it is meant to be. I try to find a mirror to look at myself all over again. I struggle to find out what I am looking for. Every time I feel ‘this is it’! Now I know all. But the little chicken re-visits. Thank God for sending him.

Is that why I am blogging?? Dunno…Ask the chicken!!