Sometime back, a dear friend scrapped me..[and literally ‘scarpped’ me] saying that I should change my blog name to ‘Vibha doesn’t write’!! Thanks yaar!!! Love u for this upfront ness!! [or can also be called ‘puneripana’]
But then she is right. I haven’t written in ages. I was in Delhi for two months writing a play. I wrote about 6 drafts! I was over and out with it. [ I am damn good at giving excuses eh?] I thought I can’t write no more!
I feel like….I want to..some thing happens…in the heart..and the mind. [ if at all these are two different organs at two different locations] But I just can’t get myself to write. Sometimes there is so much I want to say..it is so much that I feel I am choked. I feel there just aren’t enough words that can say all of it. [Guys……this IS NOT a sign of a poet, or a genius writer…this is just a stupid lazy woman trying to update her blog..and proving her puneri friend wrong]
At times I feel I have gotten into this habit of using the tool of language to write something impressive. Just an attempt to prove that I still write. Just a way of telling myself and others how I am different than the rest. But I sometimes feel do I really have something to say? Do I have to write? And then I don’t.
But then I do..becuase I need to…because probably that is ALL I can do.
I guess I should sign off..I am incoherent…but folks…I did write….
Can Vibha write…..even if she can, she doesn’t!! And I hate her for that!!!!!
Saturday, June 9, 2007
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Why??
Never have I figured out WHY I ask the question ‘why?’ Why do I wonder why things are the way they are and not the way they are not? Why do I get in those inexplicable zones of wondering why I am the way I am? Why I love myself the way I am or simply hate myself for the things I hate? My friend tells me to stop asking this question to myself and assures that I will be happier that way. And I ask him ‘why’ he thinks so? And ‘why’ he doesn’t want me to ask ‘why’?
You know why? Unless you know ‘why’, u can’t make things the way u would want them to be. But then ‘why’ do I think they will ever be the way I want them to be? Me the almighty? Nah…..why do I question? Why do I rebel? Why do I complain? Why do I insist??
You know ‘why’? Because I LIVE..[now come on!! Don’t ask me WHY I live??
You know why? Unless you know ‘why’, u can’t make things the way u would want them to be. But then ‘why’ do I think they will ever be the way I want them to be? Me the almighty? Nah…..why do I question? Why do I rebel? Why do I complain? Why do I insist??
You know ‘why’? Because I LIVE..[now come on!! Don’t ask me WHY I live??
Tuesday, January 2, 2007
Meera..a myth??
Hell!!! I was on verge of hysteria this morning. I felt like yelling. I felt like throwing things all over. I just felt like jumping out of the window. Nah….nah….no one broke my heart. No one snatched any of my sparkling career opportunities… [There are none to be snatched by the way] No one did nothing….The hysteric fit was a culmination of a struggle to bathe my one and half year old daughter. She has suddenly understood the meaning of Bapuji’s work. NON CO-OPERATION at it’s best!!! [Bandee main hai dum vande mataram...kisine theek kahaa hai!!:J] She did not let me touch her. Undressing her and getting her drenched was like a dream. I tried all ways. Child psychology, Hitler, Darwin, every damn legend in the history of human race, but in vain. Every time I went anywhere close to her, she grabbed her Noddy..[Do u believe in soul mates? THAT is what Noddy is for her,,, until she comes to an age, where he needs to be replaced by a homo-sapien I hope!!] Eureka! I got it. I pounced at her sweetheart and hid him behind me. She screamed, protested. And now I was victorious. ‘You kiddo! You want him? Sit right in front of me. Let me oil you and let me just get you bathed!! THEN you get your Noddy’ And! It worked. I was done with it within next 10 minutes. I got back to work and she started romancing with Noddy.
BINGO!!I was pleased with myself. My phone rang. A very dear friend at the other end. We broke into a discussion [I like this word…..’I fought with him’ sounds so childish eh??? Nah…’I was ‘discussing’ a few serious issues’. Sounds apt] At one point he said ‘You know what your problem is? You just expect too much. Get over expectations. You will be more at peace’ I managed to save my ego by coming up a flashy argument and I hung up. But I sat there wondering if what he said did make sense.
Yes…it did,,,I indeed expect too much. From myself, from my work, from my maid, from my mother, from my husband, from everyone who walks in and out of my life, from my car, from my i-pod, from my cell-phone, from my laptop, from EVERY DAMN thing in and around me. And how should I NOT do it? I am taught to live that way, I am taught by life to live it that way. And THAT’S what I am teaching my daughter. ‘Give something if you want something. Let me bathe you if you want your Noddy back’. This barter system has crept in her life at that young an age.
How do I now get this out of me? When I give, how will I not want back? When I invest, why and how do I not look for returns?
Do we really don’t expect? Are we all not sustaining on this game of give and take. We let go for the one we love, true. But don’t we do it hoping that he will let go for us sometime? We surrender, yes we do, but is it not with a want that he will surrender someday? We pray with all heart and soul, but don’t we do it to get the returns we feel the almighty might give us?
And if we don’t expect, will we still hope? If we don’t hope, will we still dream? If we don’t dream, will we still live? We will survive, can we live? Expectations come with pain. It’s because very rarely they are met with. But can we really feel the happiness that may come without feeling any pain ever?
As I post this blog, there sure are few comments I expect. Few people who I know will read it and if they don’t either read or comment, I will feel bad. And I await this pain and this disappointment. Because that will give me the strength to feel the happiness if at all I get the comments.
Meera loved Krishna in spite of knowing that her love will never be returned or reciprocated. And she created works which possess us centuries later. Had she not felt the pain? Had she not suffered? Did she really not EXPECT? And if that’s what I should get convinced with, I am compelled to say, ‘Meera IS a myth....
BINGO!!I was pleased with myself. My phone rang. A very dear friend at the other end. We broke into a discussion [I like this word…..’I fought with him’ sounds so childish eh??? Nah…’I was ‘discussing’ a few serious issues’. Sounds apt] At one point he said ‘You know what your problem is? You just expect too much. Get over expectations. You will be more at peace’ I managed to save my ego by coming up a flashy argument and I hung up. But I sat there wondering if what he said did make sense.
Yes…it did,,,I indeed expect too much. From myself, from my work, from my maid, from my mother, from my husband, from everyone who walks in and out of my life, from my car, from my i-pod, from my cell-phone, from my laptop, from EVERY DAMN thing in and around me. And how should I NOT do it? I am taught to live that way, I am taught by life to live it that way. And THAT’S what I am teaching my daughter. ‘Give something if you want something. Let me bathe you if you want your Noddy back’. This barter system has crept in her life at that young an age.
How do I now get this out of me? When I give, how will I not want back? When I invest, why and how do I not look for returns?
Do we really don’t expect? Are we all not sustaining on this game of give and take. We let go for the one we love, true. But don’t we do it hoping that he will let go for us sometime? We surrender, yes we do, but is it not with a want that he will surrender someday? We pray with all heart and soul, but don’t we do it to get the returns we feel the almighty might give us?
And if we don’t expect, will we still hope? If we don’t hope, will we still dream? If we don’t dream, will we still live? We will survive, can we live? Expectations come with pain. It’s because very rarely they are met with. But can we really feel the happiness that may come without feeling any pain ever?
As I post this blog, there sure are few comments I expect. Few people who I know will read it and if they don’t either read or comment, I will feel bad. And I await this pain and this disappointment. Because that will give me the strength to feel the happiness if at all I get the comments.
Meera loved Krishna in spite of knowing that her love will never be returned or reciprocated. And she created works which possess us centuries later. Had she not felt the pain? Had she not suffered? Did she really not EXPECT? And if that’s what I should get convinced with, I am compelled to say, ‘Meera IS a myth....
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